punishmentI've just had a glass of wine...and I think I'm almost drunk.
Crazy...
10 years ago, I was drinking at least a 5th of rum every night and now one glass of wine gets me buzzed. I know my limit; I will not be having any more.
I quit my binge drinking about 10 years ago, when I met my husband. I guess being loved replaced my need for it. Perhaps, though, the real reason was that I had watched my grandmother's slow, cruel death by cirrhosis. She was such an amazing woman. She was an amazing business woman, too. She kept her cafe open over 50 years and made a good chunk of cash doing it. In a business that typically never makes it past 5 years, this is proof positive of her abilities.
She woke up every morning at 3 am, put on her make up, fixed her hair (she always had to look presentable) and got to the cafe by 4:30 to start making her soups, specials and pies (her meringue was always perfect!). She'd work until after the noon rush, go home to take a "power" nap and go back to work slaving over the grill until closing time. She did this until she was in her 70's.
She did so well she was able to buy our house (the 4 bedroom, 2 baths, near manse Victorian) with cold hard cash.
She was my mom, my hero, my guiding light...and she was an alcoholic.
It was my junior year, and we were in the living room watching TV. Out of no where (as we were watching a drama) she starts giggling hysterically and says, "Shawnee, honey-doll, sweetie pie? Little sweetheart of the mountain? (This entire phrase was what she had always called me.) Why is that man sitting in our sink? You really have to get him out of there, your grandpa will get mad."
This was the sign.
We called the hospital the next day. Tests were done. It was cirrhosis, and it was too late to stop it.
She degenerated over several years (living 3 more than the doctor predicted), until finally put into the nursing home. It was terrible to see this proud, independent woman turn into a bedridden, broken mess.
I was broken when she died, but that was when I quit drinking. I have a drink every few months, and that is enough for me. I will not ever allow myself to follow that same route. Out of respect for her and her boundless love and faith in me, I will not allow myself to be an alcoholic.
Sadly, my mother did not catch that lesson. She has cirrhosis.
It won't be long now. My baby sister and I will be the only ones left.
I'm unsure of what to do now.
She is in Nebraska and said she was going to go and sign up for Medicaid and to see if she can get early Social Security. She is 51 years old.
I think that when she gets this taken care of that I should try to find her reasonable living here in Austin, so that we can watch over her and be with her in the end. I've already taken care of her kids; I suppose it's only right to take care of her, too.
I'm trying to bury the resentment, but it's so hard. I miss my mother from my childhood. I don't know that I can accept this woman to be one and the same, after the past 20 years. I'm torn, angry, sad, and confused. I'm a jumblefuck of emotions and none of them are positive.
I know I love her, but do I like her?
I guess we will see what happens.
My sister is planning a trip to visit her for 2 weeks. I guess I'll wait for her report and opinion.
Do I want to hate myself and her for the next year to 5 years? Or do I hate myself for eternity for setting her adrift?
Another tough decision...How many trials must I go through this year? How many will I have to go through in the future if I choose to be selfish now?
Seriously, how am I supposed to work on a new dilemma, when I'm still not over the last?
x
