"I am the wisest man alive, for I know one thing, and that is that I know nothing." ~Socrates

So.  Here I am.  Nearly 29 years old, wondering where I have gone. Who am I now? Do I even exist? Did I ever?
Am I just going through the proverbial mid-life crisis? Or is it something else?
That is why I've come here, to discover who I am. 
As a teenager, I was an ardent diary keeper.  Every night I would right it all down.  I wrote down what I learned.  I wrote down how I felt.  Sometimes I just wrote what I ate for dinner.
I continued keeping a journal up until I had a man in my personal life. I stopped, at first, because in those early stages of relationship you are always together.  You have no personal time to unwind and put your life to paper, because (you think) you are living it.  You then, as with everything once you stop doing it religiously, fall out of habit.
After 10 years, I started to wonder where have I been? What have I done? What am I like? How do I feel?
I've been obsessed with trying to figure out exactly who I am and why I'm here.  I've taken numerous personality tests. I've tried talking to friends and family (and the occasional stranger). I've been reading the Bible.  I've been searching for a religion that could help me understand.  Nothing has helped and so I come here.  As I now realize that I can only understand myself by talking to myself and getting answers.
Now, I admit to myself, that I'm not the person I used to be.  I used to be free. I used to just want to have a good time, laugh a lot, and make everyone around me enjoy life.  I had no worries, no concerns.  I had no boundaries.  I'd say what I wanted, when I wanted regardless the consequences.
Today, there are days I don't want to see anyone, talk to anyone. There are days I don't laugh.  There are days that I just cry, for no reason other than to cry.
This is because life is a chore.  You work. You pay your bills. Your bills mount up. The loved ones in your life are all selfabsorbed in their own worries. Your soulmate works hard to create his future. Your sister is worried about adult life. Your mom is an alcoholic who finds a way to blame you for her troubles. Your grandmother (who was your hero, friend, mother, world) has gone on to a better place and can't hold you in the crook of her arm anymore. Your brother is on a short road to a sad and lonely life. You've got deadlines at work that sometimes pile on top of each other.
Life is depressing. Terrible things happen everyday and you feel the pain of the world in your heart. 9/11. Tsunamis. Kidnappings. Murders. Euthanasia. Animals dead on the road. Homeless people. Forests being wiped out. AIDS. Pollution. Unneccessary wars.  Political corruption.
This eventually makes you develop a pattern of thought.  Life isn't depressing. Mankind is depressing.  Nor is life a chore, the chore is caused by civilization and each person's contribution of evil and unkindness.
Unkindness.  This is the cruelest part of man. People want the best for themselves, and expect everyone to treat them well while treating others badly. Man is selfish.
Even I have been unkind.  Growing up in Podunk, WY I learned the hurtful art of gossip. My quick wit is often at another's expense. This never goes away. This enviornment is deadly to the soul. Five years after leaving, I still am in the habit of pointing out other's shortcomings before looking for their beacon of light.
This has led to an enormous amount of guilt I carry I on my shoulders. This is not who I want to be. I want to be good. I want to be good in the way Socrates viewed goodness to be. As "good", comes from effort and learning and acknowlegement of igorance. Good comes from spreading goodness, which I have done but not to the best of my ability.
Something for me to work on.