"I am the wisest man alive, for I know one thing, and that is that I know nothing." ~Socrates

The problem with suicide is that it isn't just one person ending their life, but ending a part of their loved one's life as well. They leave you with this guilt that just consumes you, nearly tearing out the memory of the person themself and filling your head with your own behavior towards that person.

This in itself is a very tough battle.

I have forgiven Marcus for leaving us this way. I believe that there is a reason for everything, a time for you to go and that some people are granted the recognition of it being their time to check out.

I can't say I'm not still angry. I can't say a day has yet passed where I haven't cried. I can say, though, that I am happy for my brother. I know that he is now free. I know he's watching out for his kids and us. I know he has already started to work at guiding us down the path we are supposed to take.

For example, my sister has left her loser boyfriend and quit cocktailing at the strip club. She feels Marcus is leading her this way and she is finding happiness in her life again. She is starting to accept the abortion and has come to realize that it was a good decision for her as she can set in to make a life for herself and then take on the responsibility of a child. She wants to name her boy Marcus, I said even if it was a girl she could name it Marcus. Look at me, Krishna is a typically male name and I ended up ok.

We've asked Marc's fiance to move down here. We want to get her cleaned up and teach the boys about their father. I couldn't bear it if they were to forget or to ever think that he deserted them, because he didn't. He's with them all the time.

She too is feeling Marcus and is currently working with the Salt Lake police to get the dealer that got Marcus that last high. She said, "maybe I can save someone else, though I admit it is mainly revenge in my mind right now". I told her that is perfectly ok and still the best road to take. She hopes to be here by January. She wants to be near people that loved Marcus as much as herself and wants her sons to know him through us. I'm happy with that, especially little Addiston who is the picture of Marcus. He's brilliant, too. (I swear, not just gushing as his auntie).

In the end, I'm proud of my brother. This is a funny thing to say, and I'm sure even stranger to hear, but the reason behind his suicide was (as the death certificate states the "underlying factor" ) meth addiction. It was Marc's fight with the drug that turned him suicidal. I just wish I'd taken more time to understand this addiction and would have learned how deeply depression sets in on an addict when they quit using. I would have read the signs better, perhaps...but here is the guilt again. Let's leave that and get back to the story...

You see, when you (as a meth addict) aren't using meth you are full of guilt. Guilt for who you are. Guilt for what you've done. You dwell on every horrible aspect of your life every waking moment. Marcus was clean for 20 days, and that is why I'm proud. He got back to Salt Lake unable to just automatically fix what was broken. He fell off the wagon and on the "tweaking" stage just before the crash, he lost the high where he felt his best and found nothing about himself worth fighting for. Marcus may have killed his body, but crystal meth had already killed his soul.

This is where Marcus is leading me. I've found a nice online group for meth addicts and families of meth addicts. Marcus has made me find my mission in life and that is saving someone else from the pandemic of meth addiction. The Gardner's, one of my husband's clients, are looking for a spot for me in their youth charity and I share my story with meth addicts at kci.org. Already an addict has told me that Marc's story reminded them of why they are fighting the addiction. Already Marc's life is making someone else's just a little bit better.

Life doesn't stop for a suicide survivor. The bill collectors still call. The rent is still due. The office awaits your return. This is all for the best though, this is what keeps you from wallowing in guilt and losing faith.


I'm doing ok. I'm not good, but I will be.